puppy love

My best friend from high school got married while we were in college.  For modern America, they got married young, but I never doubted that they were making a good decision.  They had seriously considered marriage, and in my opinion, they had realistic expectations.  During one of our late night chats about her anticipated marriage, my friend said something like this to me, "Well, I have chosen to marry him.  I love him, yes, but there are lots of times I don't feel like that.  When it comes down to it, getting married-- and staying married-- is a choice. "*

I've come to believe this as well.  Essentially, I don't believe that Mark is the one and only man I could marry.   But having given consideration, premarital counseling, prayer, and family input to the decision, I feel peaceful (and excited) about marrying Mark.  I'm sure we'll have our share of frustrations and tribulations, but I feel like we'll do our best to stick it out and find joy in the relationship over time.


Given this relatively new level of comfort with commitment, I've been wondering how I can be so peaceful about getting married but so freaked out about a career.   After much consideration, I think I've come to an answer: I haven't sufficiently dated medicine.


I don't know medicine like I know Mark.  I'm not comfortably familiar with what it's like to be a doctor on a daily basis. Sure, I've filed charts, been a nursing aide, volunteered, etc.  But I haven't spent enough time with doctors to know what it's like to be one.  I'm sort of still in puppy love with medicine.  And that simply is not enough to give me the confidence to pursue such a long, expensive, and taxing path.


I need to know what it's like to be a doctor more thoroughly.  I need to figure out whether I can have a grown-up relationship with medicine, willing to stay with it in the good and bad times.  Not teenage, Twilight, "I can't live without you" love.  Not idealizing, "he's so dreamy!" puppy love. I need to find out if I have real love for being a doctor--- the kind that is undergirded by purpose, joy, and peacefulness even though takes a lot of service, dedication, and commitment.  The kind that is willing to go through the difficulties, because there is a lot of good to make and be had.


And gosh darn it, I can't figure that out by filing charts anymore.


*I'm probably a little bit overly sensitive, but I just want to be clear that if you happen to be reading this and you are in a destructive or abusive marriage, please don't read any of this to imply that the choice to stay married is always the absolute best one.  Please talk to a trusted friend or counselor about your situation!