puppy love

My best friend from high school got married while we were in college.  For modern America, they got married young, but I never doubted that they were making a good decision.  They had seriously considered marriage, and in my opinion, they had realistic expectations.  During one of our late night chats about her anticipated marriage, my friend said something like this to me, "Well, I have chosen to marry him.  I love him, yes, but there are lots of times I don't feel like that.  When it comes down to it, getting married-- and staying married-- is a choice. "*

I've come to believe this as well.  Essentially, I don't believe that Mark is the one and only man I could marry.   But having given consideration, premarital counseling, prayer, and family input to the decision, I feel peaceful (and excited) about marrying Mark.  I'm sure we'll have our share of frustrations and tribulations, but I feel like we'll do our best to stick it out and find joy in the relationship over time.


Given this relatively new level of comfort with commitment, I've been wondering how I can be so peaceful about getting married but so freaked out about a career.   After much consideration, I think I've come to an answer: I haven't sufficiently dated medicine.


I don't know medicine like I know Mark.  I'm not comfortably familiar with what it's like to be a doctor on a daily basis. Sure, I've filed charts, been a nursing aide, volunteered, etc.  But I haven't spent enough time with doctors to know what it's like to be one.  I'm sort of still in puppy love with medicine.  And that simply is not enough to give me the confidence to pursue such a long, expensive, and taxing path.


I need to know what it's like to be a doctor more thoroughly.  I need to figure out whether I can have a grown-up relationship with medicine, willing to stay with it in the good and bad times.  Not teenage, Twilight, "I can't live without you" love.  Not idealizing, "he's so dreamy!" puppy love. I need to find out if I have real love for being a doctor--- the kind that is undergirded by purpose, joy, and peacefulness even though takes a lot of service, dedication, and commitment.  The kind that is willing to go through the difficulties, because there is a lot of good to make and be had.


And gosh darn it, I can't figure that out by filing charts anymore.


*I'm probably a little bit overly sensitive, but I just want to be clear that if you happen to be reading this and you are in a destructive or abusive marriage, please don't read any of this to imply that the choice to stay married is always the absolute best one.  Please talk to a trusted friend or counselor about your situation! 

"Holy false dichotomy, Batman!"

The exclamation caught me off guard.

A pastor and I were discussing the "best" way to serve "the poor."  An article written by Shane Claiborne had sparked our conversation. Claiborne suggests that charities perpetuate an economic (capitalist) system that keep the poor oppressed.  He decries that charities separate classes of people, isolating the poor and insulating the rich.  Living on one of the most marginalized streets in Philly, Claiborne wants his readers to know that his neighbors are real people, not just causes, not just "the poor."

How should we (particularly Christians) respond?  One extreme approach is that we should all sell everything we have and give it away and live in very frugal ways among our marginalized brothers and sisters.  Jesus did tell one rich young ruler to do that.  It seems like a legitimate option, one practiced by Claiborne himself. 

The other extreme is that we should all become rich and give money to charities.  We probably won't have time to hang out with our marginalized brothers and sisters, but we could generate a lot resources for them.  And, there were rich people in the Bible like Lydia, a dealer of fine purple cloth, who supported the apostles' work financially through their businesses.

And so, being a person drawn to extremes, I have often felt torn and guilty about my place on this spectrum, somewhere in the massive middle.  The pastor offered my guilty conscience a wise suggestion: beware of false dichotomies!  Shockingly, writing a check to United Way and befriending your neighbors are not mutually exclusive!!

Charitable organizations have a place in our society (at least for now).  Responsible charities do the really hard work of figuring out how to respectfully and knowledgeably partnering with their recipients to affect change.  I could never do that as well as they do unless it was my full-time job.  And I couldn't be a doctor if that was my full-time job.  So, supporting charitable organizations financially seems like potentially good way to provide resources for good work that I can't do in person.

On the other hand, substituting charity for relationship is dangerous.  Iron sharpens iron, and people smooth out each others' sharp corners.   Relationships that bridge racial, ethnic, religious, socioeconomic, and other separations can be particularly smoothing!  For me to write a check in lieu of these relationships could lead to isolation.  And isolation is dangerous, because it is likely to skew my perspective in inaccurate ways.


So I think it's best for me not to fall into one extreme or the other, imitating someone else's position.  Instead, I should let G-d place me on the spectrum right where I belong.  After, just as the body is not just made up of the eye, neither is the battle against injustice fought by only rich or only poor men.

And, in my spot, my conscience feels a little better too.